Thank you for downloading Virtual Christmas. Virtual Christmas is freeware so you can use it to your heart's content and pass it on to friends, but not your best friends.

To get Virtual Christmas up and running click on virc.setup and follow the installation wizard. Files are best installed into your "lounge" and "kitchen" directories although to avoid worrying conflicts we recommend installing files

Now we'd like to walk you through some of the uniques features of Virtual Christmas:

Note the easy-to-use pull-down menus. Try clicking on "dinner" and then "burning smell". Select "turkey_inedible" and a link will take you straight to wayswithspam.com web page . Select "wet hands", then "dish slips" and then "scrape up vegetables". Note how seamlessly the automatic quick_scrubhairsoff macro runs.

Clicking on "presents" reveals a really useful range of options such as "Loud Tie", "Counterfeit Cologne", "DIY Book" and "Steve Davis' Snooker Tips video". Use the "send to" option to scan for Sir Cliff Richard's Millennium Prayer (recommended) and save it for the whatstheirnames from No 24 who always turn up unexpectedly on Boxing Day.

Click on Dodgy Toys and follow the "Gasp, You !!!!!! Idiot" Wizard. If you answer yes to Made in Taiwan, glass eyes on needle-sharp wires and dangerous acetaldehyde levels you may need to run our useful CheckAunt or CheckUncle utilities. Defragmentise or reformat as required.

Under "child_silent" there are three option levels: "quivering bottom lip", "almost incandescent" and "Omen III". This function is for advanced users only. If problems persist try plugging the offending child into a TV or games console but, please, not directly into the mains.